Some of you may have noticed…

Maybe it was the thesis stress, maybe it was the allergies, maybe it was the smaller, but not small dress I bought, maybe it was the threat of spring looming on the horizon bringing with it intolerably short shorts and mostly naked undergraduate girls…

Whatever caused it, yesterday I reached breaking point.

Some of you may have noticed, I am fat.

I’m not “pinch an inch”, “could serve to lose a few pounds”, or “chubby”, “tubby” or even “festively plump.” I dwell on the plus size of plus sizes. Usually I don’t talk about it, except to make one of my no fail jokes [Look, I didn’t get this body climbing stairs and avoiding cupcakes.] I figure if I don’t mention it, you all won’t notice. You won’t notice how much of the sofa I take up, how I fill up my chair (or one of those wretched little desks), you won’t notice my thighs, or back rolls, or double chin when I’m laughing. You’ll instead notice my voice, or my smile, or my bunny front teeth, my excellent hair perhaps, or how handy I am with liquid eyeliner.

I also know this is not the case. I live in the same media frenzied world as everyone else. I know that despite everything I’ve achieved, or how well I get dressed in the morning or just how good I am with the liner, I am still fat. At the end of the day a fat girl is just a fat girl. Everyday is battle against homeliness, against looking matronly, maternal or pregnant. Everyday I walk around Washington DC, and I am aware that when people look at me, they see a fat person. I have all the stereotypes of what fat people are like hovering around me; we’re lazy, unmotivated, uninspired, miserable, out-of-control, we’re not confident, and we’re rarely sexy. Yeah – would you believe that is exactly that set of characteristics that got me where I am in life. I am 100% a successful student, friend, person, intellectual, artist and writer because I’m an lazy, unmotivated, miserable fat fuck. Funny, that.

Usually, I’m pretty confident about my body. I have the rare good fortune that I didn’t “get fat”. I started out pretty fat, and stayed fat. There isn’t a moment in my memory when I wasn’t fat. My appearance now is the logical conclusion of all my other appearances. That said, something happened the last few weeks (I do NOT want to talk about it.) that threw me a curve ball. So, after a week of panicked mega-dieting (I’ve lost 6 lbs since last Wednesday, when I’m on it, I do not mess around.) frantic waddling on the treadmill and treating my closet like a collection of burlap sacks, I went online last night and googled “fat positive”. For the first time since high school, I needed someone else, a total stranger on the Internet, talking to not me, but fat women everywhere that my body is okay. It worked, looking at pictures of other people, women, my size, larger and littler made me feel like it was okay. That I could get up today and get dressed and feel okay.

I am in love with the Internet. Why? because in a split second last night I could begin a process to put to bed a lot of hurtful feelings I’ve been dealing with all week, for this I’m very grateful.

The excellent website I stumbled onto was http://fuckyeahfatpositive.tumblr.com/

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Some of you may have noticed…

  1. Well, I for one love you and I’ve always admired your confidence in all realms. Don’t let a (skinny) bitch get you down.

  2. I’m glad you found a site that is bringing you peace! For what it’s worth, I never see you as a fat person. I see you as Colva, a great friend, amazing intellect, and beautiful person who has done nothing but be a positive part of my life. Anyone who sees you as a fat person a) does not know you, and b) is not worth troubling yourself over, because they’re obviously too shallow and lazy to learn beyond what they assume.

    I’m always amazed at how positive and mature you stay about things in life. Yes, you reach breaking points – we all do! – but instead of letting it consume you, you find positive ways to approach them and deal with them. It’s an amazing talent and one you should be proud of, as not many people can claim to be able to do the same!

    Finally, if you ever want to talk through your feelings with another person, I am always there to lend an ear. I know exactly how you feel – ever since I was eight years old and people started calling me “fat,” I’ve carried that label and allowed it to get the better of my self-identification more often than I care to admit. It’s manifested in various ways, ranging from looking at unflattering pictures in horror to being so manic about my weight in undergrad that I was maintaining a size that was too small for me in order to fit some “ideal” that never exists. It’s something I still struggle with and I’m not sure will ever go away, but when insecurity comes up, I try to just observe it and make sure it passes, as opposed to letting it consume me.

    Again, I admire your bravery in talking to others, and I’ve always admired you as a person. Keep it up in terms of taking positive avenues to find solutions when you find yourself turning dark corners – it is only helpful! ❤

  3. I’m fat, too, but I’m way shorter than you. Sometimes I’m the shortest, fattest person in the room and sometimes I let that bother me.

    It’s okay- I love everything about you.

    (except maybe the font on this page- but wordpress is a pain)

    shann

  4. Colva, you’re one of the most confident people I know, and believe me, it shows and it goes a long way. Screw the media frenzied world, anyway; I suspect it’s a pyramid scheme. When thesis/school is over in a few weeks, assuming the world doesn’t end on May 21, I hope we can plan on that Foamhenge picnic.

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